NOTE: I originally wrote this post on December 28, 2014 on a different blog. We decided to shut down that blog, but I wanted to keep this post because I knew it impacted many. Therefore, I decided to republish it here.
I hope it encourages you today!
Have you ever asked the question, “what is my purpose?” I have many times, especially in the last year.
A Longing for Purpose
One of the purposes God created for women is to give birth to and nurture children. However, I personally have not had the privilege of giving birth to children of my own.
I am barren.
And the emptiness in my womb has often been followed by an emptiness in my heart.
A longing for purpose…wondering why God hasn’t allowed me to be a mother. Does He have another purpose for my life?
The Silent Grief
I never knew how difficult and painful a miscarriage could be until it happened to me last December. I have been walking through a very painful season in my life; however, very few people have known about it.
I have shared a few things on Facebook about my struggle with infertility. But, have only shared the details with a few close friends.
PLEASE NOTE: I know many of you have advice and success stories to share with me regarding this topic. I’ve heard most of them. And at this point, I am not asking for advice and prefer to not talk much about it. What I need the most are your prayers.
Walking through infertility is a lonely experience. Most people either have no idea, don’t know what to say, or assume we have chosen to not have kids.
We have been married 16 years. CJ is 41 and I am 39 years old. I could see how some people would assume we have chosen this lifestyle.
But, we have not.
It is very difficult. I’ve had one miscarriage and at 39 it seems like my time to conceive is so short. I’m running out of time.
Permission to Grieve
This past summer, I realized I never fully grieved my miscarriage and it was holding me back from true healing. I felt numb emotionally. So I gave myself permission to grieve which helped bring healing and closure. I never knew how painful a miscarriage would be and it took me over 8 months to start feeling “normal” again.
To be honest, I have cried a lot of tears this past year.
But, I’m in a surrendered place again. A place of peace where I am able to leave this part of my life in God’s hands.
What is My Purpose?
I don’t know whether or not I will ever give birth to a child. But, I do know that God has a purpose for me.
And that purpose is to glorify Him.
To glorify Him with the talents and abilities He’s given me. Glorify Him by reaching out and serving others. Glorify Him with my words and actions.
Life is not easy.
This past year has been really tough. To be honest, I’m glad to be moving on to a new year and a new beginning.
And yet, I also know how important it is to grieve the losses in our lives.
God has reminded me again recently of His plans for me in Jeremiah 29:11. I may not understand all the why’s but I choose to trust Him.
“For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” – Jeremiah 29:11
I am choosing to look toward 2015 with eyes of hope and trust.
How about you? Have you struggled with your purpose? What are you looking forward this next year?
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